The List
by ElleJam
Summary: "I'll add it to the list- dead kid, missing mistress, Mellie's rape, Fitz's suicide." A series of short conversations between Mellie and Fitz.
1. Dead Kid

Dead Kid

It's been two years.

Two years since the worst day of her life.

Two years since a permanent ache took residence in her heart and soul.

The grass around the gravestone is freshly cut and soft as always, and the stone itself, which must have been cleaned early this morning, is shinning in the late fall sun. She quickly removes the old flowers and replaces them with a fresh set of daffodils. The flowers don't fit with the red and orange leaves covering the cemetery, but they were her boy's favorite. Every mother's day, without fail, he would proudly present her with a fresh cut bouquet.

"Hi sweetheart," she whispers tracing the letters on the gravestone. _Fitzgerald Thomas Grant IV, Beloved son and brother._ She doesn't know what to say to him today. She usually tells him about her life, his sister, and his brother but she covered all the usually topics yesterday when she was here. She sigh and sinks to her knees, laying on the ground, an act she hasn't done since the earliest days after his death. "I miss you so much baby."

She doesn't know how long she lays there, starring at the clear blue sky above, until suddenly a figure standing above her blocks the sunlight from hitting her face.

Fitz is dressed similarly to her in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. Besides short conversations concerning Karen and Teddy, they haven't spoken much since the divorce and Mellie isn't sure if he is going to let her stay. Besides being the two year anniversary of their son's death, it's also Sunday- Fitz's day to visit Jerry alone.

Fitz doesn't immediately say anything, so she begins to sit up, figuring that his silence is an indication that he wants her to leave. However before she is able to stand, Fitz takes a seat next to her and lays down as she was moments before. "Hi, Jerr," he says closing his eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for a few weeks," Fitz's voice is breaking and against her better judgment, Mellie lays down next to him. "You're mom and I miss you so much."

Mellie can feel tears begin to pool in her eyes, she lives with the pain of losing her son everyday of her life. But she mostly lives with that pain alone, hearing her ex-husband talk to Jerry reminds her that there is someone else who knew their son. There is someone else who held him as a newborn and promised to protect him forever, there is someone else who would give their own life for him if they could, and there is someone else who will never forget him.

Mellie doesn't know if Fitz senses her thoughts, but he reaches out and takes her hand in his. The act is simple enough, they are of course two people mourning the death of their baby, but the act is comforting in ways she did not expect it to be. She suddenly realizes that while they may not be together or in love, this is a day they will get through together. He needs her to get through this day as much as she needs him.

They remain lying together holding hands, as she tries to remember everything about her baby boy, from the corner of her eye she sees Fitz's crumble more and more each minute. It's a look she's only ever seen immediately after the surgeon at James Madison Hospital told them Jerry was going to die. She gives his hand a squeeze hoping the feeling will provide him with some comfort.

Her touch seems to bring him out of his thoughts and with tears rolling down his face, he finally speaks. "I'm so sorry."

"I was supposed to protect you Jerr. When your mom and I first held you in that hospital room, you were so tiny, only six pounds even, and I promised to protect you and never let anything bad happen to you. I'm so sorry I failed you."

At Fitz's words, Mellie lets out a cry. Fitz's words remind her that the situation they are in isn't fair, parents shouldn't burry their babies. "Fitz."

Fitz sits up and turns to her. "I'm so sorry Mel."

A few months ago, she would have thought he owed her the apology. A few months ago, when she found out that his mistress's father killed their son, she blamed him. It was easy to blame him, in her heartbreak, she could justify passing the blame onto him. But deep down, she's always known he would have never allowed it if he'd known. She knows in her heart that if he'd known his affair or the presidency would lead to the murder of their son, he would have never slept with Olivia Pope, he would have never run for governor, let alone president. She's forgiven him for that, just has she's forgiven herself for allowing her rape to dictate the time she spent with her son while he was alive.

"I let Eli Pope out of jail," she says as she sits up. "Olivia came to me and I did it for her. I knew he killed our son and I let him out of jail."

"I know."

She knows Olivia told him, but she had assumed her name had been left out of the conversation because she hadn't been arrested or even summoned by Fitz to explain herself. "I don't know why I did it. I think part of me wanted to see him, see the man that killed Jerry. The other part of me thought that controlling Olivia and getting her on my side, getting her to make me president would mean that Jerry's death meant something. That sounds horrible I know, but he's gone and we're done, I just thought since nothing could change what happened, I should take advantage of it. _Lean in,_ I know it's sick, but _I've_ , _we've_ lost so much I didn't want it to be for nothing."

"I know."

"What?" She surprised he isn't yelling at her, letting her know that he agrees with her, that she is sick.

"Our son is gone because we wanted the Whitehouse."

Mellie nods in agreement and lays back down, Fitz following suit. "I would give away a million terms as president to have him back."

"Me too."

"I know."


	2. Missing Mistress

2\. Missing mistress

He decides to say something on the third day in a row that Mellie chooses to wear an all black ensemble. It's unlike her to devoid color from her wardrobe, especially since taking on the role of First Lady. "Mel, what's with all the black?" He says it with a smile and expects her to say something about changing fashions in Vogue, although she rarely reads the magazine now, in law school she had a subscription.

As she begins to put in her peal earrings, he notices there is no trace of a smile on her face. "I'm going to Dover."

Mellie doesn't say anything else and it take Fitz all of three seconds to decipher why she is wearing black. His wife is going to Dover Air Force Base to meet fallen soldiers, fallen soldiers that he sent to war.

He sucks in a breath and looks around their bedroom, he's forced himself to keep his mind off the innocent men and women fighting and dying for a lie he's told the American people. Yes, involvement in West Angola has the potential to benefit the civilians living there, however the current state of war has been devastating for both countries involved.

They sit in silence as Mellie finishes getting ready, slipping on a pair of solid black pumps and looking herself over in the mirror. He must look distraught, because she turns around and comes to sit next to him on the bed. "I told you to go to war."

While he and Mellie fight often and keep more secrets than any married couple should, there are times when Mellie can sense his thoughts exactly. As he is sitting there feeling guilty, her comment is there to assure him and make him feel better, she's attempting to shoulder the blame for him. He should appreciate her spousal support, however the comment makes him angry. "It was my decision." His voice is hard because he knows that is the honest truth. Sure Mellie had told him going to war for Olivia was what he needed to do, but Fitz knows that he eventually would have done it anyways, he got a taste a world without Olivia Pope in it a few months ago and he knows he would do anything to bring her back. "I need her to come back again."

Mellie lets out a small chuckle, her eyes full of sadness. "How does one woman go missing twice in one year."

It's a rhetorical question and he doesn't feel the need to reiterate the fact that Olivia has been kidnapped this time. This time she was taken, this time she didn't leave, this time she is in danger. Last time she went freely, last time she went with another man, last time she was on an island.

"Why did she leave? Before I mean." He is surprised by Mellie's question and while he knows the answer to her question, he doesn't say anything, instead he stands up and begins pacing the room. He and Mellie have promised to be more honest with each other, but he knows in this moment he is going to lie to her. Olivia left because she thought her mother killed his son, but he can't tell his wife that.

"After Jerry…," he begins "I think she thought it was best to let us be." It's a half-truth and he convinces himself that a half-truth is better than a lie.

Mellie nods and seems satisfied with his answer although it looks as if she suspects there is more to the story. It's not often that he feels guilty for lying to his wife, especially since he's become president, but he adds the lie to his personal list of sins. "She came back though."

"She did," he confirms. Where is Mellie going with this?

Fitz looks over at his wife, he's suddenly taken aback by the sight of her in all black. She looks so much like she did the day they buried their son and much like that day, the color has left her face. "I'm glad she came back. At first, I wanted her to stay away from us, but you're happier when she's around."

He knows Mellie came to this realization a long time ago, it's the reason she got Olivia to run his re-election campaign, but it's the first time he's heard her say it out loud to him. "I'm sorry," he doesn't know why he's apologizing to her, but he's still feeling incredibly guilty about everything and it slips out.

"Well," she says rubbing his leg. "All I'm saying is that sometimes we do horrible things for the people we love."

As Mellie stands up and exits their bedroom, he can't help but think her statement describes their whole relationship.


	3. Mellie's Rape

Mellie's Rape

" _The Fitzgerald Grant II Excellence Scholarship?"_ Fitz throws the document onto the resolute desk where it lands with a smack. "Who approved this?"

"Now Sir, I know this isn't something that you planned, but is it really that big of a deal? The media has already announced the scholarship and we all know that these scholarships will allow so many kids the chance to get an education." Fitz can tell that Cyrus thinks he is overreacting. "If we change the name of the scholarship now, it will bring up questions. The media is going to ask why the president doesn't want to honor his deceased father."

Fitz scoffs and turns to Olivia. She is standing between himself and Cyrus, her arms folded over her chest. "What do you think," he asks.

Fitz watches as Olivia turns to look at Cyrus. She sighs, but keeps her eyes locked on Cyrus to avoid Fitz's glare. "The optics of changing the scholarship name after it has been announced will be bad. Cyrus is right, it will bring up questions about your relationship with your father."

He is shocked by her answer, she knows he can't allow this to happen. As an only child, he was left all of his father's fortune after Big Jerry's death. While most of the money remained untouched, waiting to be used as a safety net to fund his re-election campaign, now that he's well into his second term, he'd decided to put the money to better use. The scholarships plan he has devised is meant to give underprivileged children a chance at the Ivey leagues, he knows the scholarships will change lives, but at the current moment he'll do anything to halt them.

Running his hands through his hair, he shakes his head and storms out of the Oval. "We're changing the name."

He's way too early, but Fitz instructs the secret service to take him to Mellie's house. She has allowed him to take Teddy every Thursday night, but since his fight with Cyrus and Olivia this morning, Fitz hasn't been able to get any work done so he figures he may be able to catch up on some quality time with his son.

By the time he is mobilized and they've reached Mellie's house, it's late afternoon. She must have heard the motorcade, because she's waiting for him at her front door with a puzzled look on her face. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd come get Teddy from you, this way you won't have to make the trip." It's a stupid excuse because she's never complained about accompanying Teddy on his ride to the Whitehouse before, and even so, he's still more than a few hours early.

Mellie narrows her eyes, but steps aside, allowing him to enter her home. "He's still at preschool," there is a hint of anger in her voice. 'Right', he thinks their son is four now and attends preschool every afternoon.

"I can wait," he declares and immediately he can feel Mellie's annoyance with him.

"Fine," she sighs as she makes her way into the kitchen. Fitz decides to follow her, only because he knows if he doesn't she will allow him to stand in her foyer alone for the next three hours. As Mellie enters the kitchen she reaches into a small cabinet, pulling out a bottle of hooch. "I think I'll needs this," she says with a sarcastic smile as she begins to pore herself a couple fingers of the liquid.

It's now his turn to shoot her a confused look, but he knows his ex-wife and the look in her eyes lets him know that they will not be spending the next few hours in silence. Mellie looks like she is ready for a fight, so he wastes no time in pouring himself a glass of her daddy's hooch.

Fitz does the honors, taking a sip of his drink first, immediately grimacing at the taste. When Mellie follows, she doesn't even blink, instead she takes a large gulp and slams her glass on the counter before speaking. "The _Fitzgerald Grant II Excellence Scholarship_ ," she mocks, disgust seeping out of her voice.

So she's heard, of course the announcement had been made early this morning, but compared to other world news, it was only a blip and Fitz figured she would have missed it. "That's not the name," he announces while forcing himself to take another sip of the hooch.

"Uh huh," Mellie shakes her head and then makes her way to the living room where she promptly takes a seat on the couch and waits for Fitz to take a seat next to her. "BNC seems to think that's what you've named it. The name comes with a nice story too- poor son of a dock worker gets himself an education, makes millions, and becomes a senator." She chuckles and raises her arms in the air as if she's celebrating, "and then to top it all of he becomes the father of the President of the United States."

"Mellie," Fitz warns. He doesn't want to talk about it, if they start talking about it now, he knows a can of worms they have managed to keep close will open.

"Of course, there's more to the story. Big Jerry was anything but boring. There's the prostitutes, the affairs, and of course, he's fondness for his daughter-in-law."

'There it is,' Fitz thinks, he knows he needs to respond but he can't think of the right words to say. Finally he opens his mouth, "that's not the name. That's not what we're calling the scholarship."

Mellie rolls her eyes and scoffs, "ok then."

The way she says it makes him unbelievably angry. He doesn't know how they are supposed to discuss this, how are they supposed to go about this? "What do you want me to say Mellie?"

Mellie's eyes widen and she begins to look around the room avoiding his eyes. "I don't know," she whispers. The angry front she had when Fitz arrived is fading and Fitz sees a profound sadness take residence in her features.

"I'm sorry," he whispers back. "I don't know how to do this. We never spoke about it."

Fitz's voice is blameless, but Mellie must hear an accusation in it because she suddenly turns to him, almost begging him to hear her out. "I wanted to tell you so many times. That night, right after it happened, I wanted to tell you. When I found out I was pregnant. Whenever we had to go visit him. When you said I ruined our marriage. Fitz, I always wanted to tell you."

"Why didn't you?" Fitz knows it's an unfair question, but as he stares at his ex-wife, her eyes flooding with tears, he knows she isn't the horrible woman he's made her out to be. He was once in love with her and this secret, the secret his own father burdened her with, destroyed their marriage.

"I was a little ashamed. I thought that maybe it was my fault, maybe I didn't fight hard enough." Fitz begins to protest, but Mellie continues. "I know enough about rape to know it wasn't my fault, the shame I felt wasn't the only reason I didn't tell you."

"What else was it?"

Mellie pauses for a moment, looks into his eyes, and then quickly stands up, her back towards him as she looks out the window. "The actual night it happened was the day we met Cyrus. Do you remember that day?" Fitz nods. "You and your father got into a fight about running on your military record, you refused and he called you childish." Fitz nods again as the details of the fight become more clear in his mind. "You wanted to leave the next day and I was so relieved, I wanted to get as far away as possible from Big Jerry. But then…" Mellie sighs and looks down at her left hand, inspecting the place where her wedding band once was.

"But then what Mellie?"

"You said if your father apologized to you, you would run. You said you thought you would make a great governor. And I agreed."

' _I have given my life for you. If you knew what I have done to get you where you are.'_ "Mellie," Fitz sucks in a deep breath, this is it, it's all making sense now.

"The next morning I told him that if he apologized to you, I wouldn't tell you about what he'd done to me. You wanted to be President, Fitz. I wanted you to be President, and I know you won't believe me, but I wanted you to be President because you wanted to be President. I'll never deny that I wanted the Whitehouse for us, but please don't deny that you wanted it as well." Mellie finally turns around to face him again, and to his surprise, much of the sadness is gone from her face- he assumes a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

"Our marriage paid the price."

It's not an accusation and Mellie doesn't take it as one. "It did," she confirms.

"Things could have been different."

"They could have been, I think about it everyday." She gives him a small, sad, smile and he returns it.

"I'll change the name. I promise."

"Ok."

Six months later, twelve young women from underprivileged families enter Ivey league schools. They are among the brightest young women in the nation and their educations are funded in full by the _Melody Grant Scholarship of Prestige._


	4. Fitz's Suicide

Thanks for the reviews, I've really enjoyed writing this! I might continue with other scenes I would have liked to seen explored, please let me know if you're interested!

Fitz's Suicide

Mellie awakes suddenly gasping for breath, she feels sick to her stomach and her face feels like it's on fire. Taking in her surroundings, she realizes she is her bed, her husband lying next to her sleeping soundly.

Over the years she has gotten used to the nightmares. For years, every nightmare involved Big Jerry on top of her, some night she would even feel his breath on her as he forced himself upon her. Once Fitz was elected however, variation in her nightmares became more common. Some nights she would see visions of her husband with other women, sometimes he was with Olivia, other times the women were faceless and nameless. In her nightmares she heard her husband speak to these women the way he used to speak to her, she heard gasps that she thought only she could elicit from her husband, and worst of all, as her husband made love to these women, they were always looking her in the eye.

When Jerry died, her nightmares took a new form. She would feel her baby become heavy in her arms as he lost consciousness. She would see the blood dripping down his face and the terror in his eyes. She would see Karen collapsing by her side and Fitz letting out an inhumane sounding wail. All the while the doctors' voices would ring through her mind _'There was nothing else we could do.' 'It happened so fast.' 'We're sorry for your loss.' 'Would you like to say goodbye Mrs. Grant?'_

Tonight however, her nightmares take on new form again. After the day's conversations with Fitz, when they fought about his refusal to get involved with the young woman who had been raped while serving in the navy, she had almost expected Big Jerry to plague her dreams. And honestly, dreams of her son's death were still waking her each night. Instead she has to anchor herself to reality by placing her hand over her husband's sleeping form, 'good,' she thinks, his heartbeat is strong and even.

Still though, her nightmare plays again in her mind.

 _"Fitz," she calls walking into the oval, it's nearly one o'clock in the morning, and though she has spent most of the day in bed intoxicated, she knows she won't be able to fall asleep without her husband by her side. They've been good in that sense since Jerry died, they've been taking care of each other and helping one another get through the long nights. "Fitz," she tries again when she sees her husband slumped on the couch, maybe he's fallen asleep._

 _When she walks over to him she knows that he hasn't simply fallen asleep, the empty bottle of scotch and the empty bottle of her own prescription sleeping pills clue her in immediately. All at once she is shaking and on the verge of tears, "Help," she screams over and over again until two secret service men run into the room._

 _As they burst into the room, ready for a fight, they pause when they see the unconscious President, his wife clinging to his upper body and smacking his face trying to awake him. Though their pause must only be a few seconds, it gives Cyrus enough time to rush into the room as well. Like Mellie, he seems to be able to identify the situation quickly enough and knows what has happened. "He's breathing," he says as he assesses Fitz's form._

 _"We need help," Mellie cries swallowing her tears._

 _Cyrus shakes in head, looking around the room as though he is formulating a plan. "No," he declares finally._

 _"Cyrus," Mellie has stopped crying to growl, he husband has tried to kill himself and no one is doing anything to help him._

 _"Pick him up and talk him to the residence, now!" Cyrus orders the secret service. "Quickly."_

 _"Cyrus!" Mellie is trying to keep her hold on her husband, but as the secret service take Cyrus's orders, he is ripped from her grasp. Why are they listening to him? Is it because the President has done this on their watch? Isn't anybody going to call for help?_

 _"Mellie," Cyrus says with in an eerily calm voice, "it's going to be ok, we just need to get him to the residence."_

 _She's in shock and the way Cyrus is intently looking at her allows her to believe that maybe he's right. "He's tried to kill himself Cy. I can't… He can't…"_

 _"I know."_

 _They exit the oval behind the secret service agents, rushing through the halls to avoid being spotted. No one is there this late at night and they arrive at the residence quickly. Cyrus instructs the agents to take Fitz into the bathroom and lay him by the toilet. The trip upstairs must have been rough on Fitz's body because he slips into consciousness for a while, groggily moaning and opening his eyes when the agents put him down._

 _Cyrus wastes not time, "Get behind him Mellie," he says as he instructs her to support Fitz's back so that he is leaning over the toilet. She does at she is told and closes her eyes once she see Cyrus begin to stick his fingers down Fitz's throat. It occurs to her that over a dozen years ago, she herself was in this position. Her husband gages and moans again, this time his eyes stay open. As the retching continues, the enormity of what has happened hits her. Her husband tried to end his life tonight._

Tears that she had refused to let fall since that night form in Mellie's eyes and she shudders, wasting no time to placing her hand on Fitz's chest again, feeling the steady in and out motion of his lungs. She must spend a few minutes in the position, her hand becoming heavy on Fitz's chest, because her husband begins to stir. "Mel?" he questions sitting up.

Her hand moves from his chest at the movement, but her eyes remain locked there. She remains silent as relief turns into anger. The nightmare has re-awoken the horror of that night. Besides catching the weight of her son's body the night he died, finding her husband unconscious that night was the worst moment of her life.

"Mellie?" Fitz tries again.

His voice finally awakens her trance and she moves her eyes to look straight into Fitz's. "How could you?"

Fitz eyes scrunch up as he looks back at her. "What?"

"That night," she takes a deep breath and looks towards the bathroom where Cyrus had saved her husband.

Fitz seems to understand what she is asking as soon as his eyes follow hers to the bathroom. "Mellie," he whispers taking her hands into his own.

"You were going to leave me. And Karen. And Teddy." She stares down at their joined hands and lets out a shallow, painful, gasp. "I know we're not what you want anymore. I know that I'm not the woman you want to be with. But they're our kids and you were going to leave them. And you were going to leave me, alone. We promised to be partners and you were going to leave me alone." She feels herself on the edge of hysteria now, she's flipping between rage and heartbreak so quickly that she doesn't even know what she's feeling.

"Mellie." Fitz squeezes her hands and she looks up into his eyes again. She's seen her husband cry a handful of times throughout their marriage and in this moment heartbreak begins to push her rages almost completely aside. "I didn't…" Fitz pauses and tries again, "I didn't think…" He runs his fingers through his hair and pulls Mellie into his arms, holding her the way that they've become accustomed to since their son died. "I had a bad night. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about anyone or anything anymore. And with Jerry, I just couldn't take it."

"Olivia was gone too," Mellie knows it's a low blow- bringing up his mistress when he's speaking of their own dead son, but she cannot help wondering if that was what pushed him over the edge. Was it their dead son that made her husband feel as though life was not worth living? Or was it the combination of Jerry's death and Olivia's prolonged vacation?

"It wasn't about Olivia."

Despite herself, Mellie feels relief wash over her and she as allows Fitz to continue. "I knew that somebody killed our son, because of who I am, because of me."

Mellie closes her eyes and tries to control her breathing, the way in which Jerry died is not something they talk about. Besides that night in the oval when he told her somebody murder their son, she's kept that horrid detail out of her mind. ' _It wasn't random, it wasn't senseless, it had meaning. It had a point. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel. On some strange level how much order that brings to things. It didn't just happen. He didn't just sneeze one day and die. It was more like he was a solider. Our solider. Our war hero. There was a point. He died for us. He died so we could stay in this Whitehouse for four more years. He died for our sins.'_ When she had said it, she was being honest. To her, it had meant that there was a reason for Jerry's death, God wasn't punishing her, something good had come from her son's death. She would never trade Jerry for the Whitehouse if she had the choice, but she didn't have the choice, and at least there was something.

But Fitz- Fitz had been so angry at her for seeing it that way and now she knows it's because he fully blamed himself. She knows she didn't have a choice in the matter, but Fitz thinks he did. Fitz thinks it's his fault- their son died because he is President. "Fitz," she whispers placing her hands on his face, forcing him to look down into her eyes. "We couldn't have known. It's not your fault. Somebody killed Jerry because you're the President, but that doesn't make it your fault."

Fitz nods and kisses her on the head, he doesn't seem convinced by her words and it looks like he wants to say more, but she can tell he appreciates her effort. She wants to go on, tell him she doesn't blame him, she wants to be reassured that he doesn't blame her, but it's late and her head is aching from all the emotion. "Promise me you won't try again," she says while playing with the collar of his shirt.

Fitz nods again and squeezes her closer, "I won't, I promise."

"I believe you."

"Mel?"

"I'm so sorry."

"I know, it wasn't you fault." Fitz sighs and kisses her head again. Mellie knows he thinks she is reassuring him about Jerry again, but really she means his suicide attempt, he couldn't help feeling that way either, she knows that better than anyone.


	5. Mellie's Suicide

Thanks for the reviews, hope you enjoy.

Mellie's Suicide

It's almost midnight when he shows up her door, but she's not surprised. She figures he has spent the past few hours pacing around the oval, strategizing with Cyrus and Abby. While Cyrus may think it's important that the Whitehouse responds appropriately to the newest scandal involving the Junior Senator from Virginia (who also happens to be the ex-First Lady), she can't help but think it's a waste of time. Fitz's presidency will be coming to a close in three months, how much does the public's opinion of his social life even matter anymore?

If anybody should be freaking out, it's her. She's the one with the political ambitions now; she's the one who has something to lose.

Fitz doesn't even ask for an invitation into her house, he simply walks past her and makes his way into the living room. Mellie follows, her head down as she struts after him, she wants to say something but thinks better of it- she remembers being in his position.

Fitz takes a seat on the couch, prompting Mellie to do the same, however Fitz remains quiet. He opens his mouth a few times and then closes it, running his fingers through his hair; he stands up and walks out of the room. For a moment, Mellie thinks he is going to leave her house, instead she hears him enter the kitchen and begin to rummage through her cabinets. Seemingly satisfied, he returns to his seat next to her, a jar of hooch in hand. "You tried to kill yourself."

It's blunt and raw, and for the first time it hits her. As soon as Olivia, who has been acting as her campaign manager, let her know the story had been leaked to the press, Mellie had come to terms with the fact that America would know about her suicide attempt all those years ago. It's only been a few hours since the story was actually broadcasted and she's been able find peace in the fact that one of her most personal secrets is no longer weighing her down. However, as she sits next to Fitz, she realizes she never considered him, it was almost as if she subconsciously believed she would still somehow be able to keep it from him.

She was able to keep secret his father's unspeakable transgressions towards her for years; she had always assumed her suicide attempt would remain permanently buried. And it would have, if not for the certain nurse who was now trading in her ethical duties for what is sure to be a generous payday.

She realizes Fitz is waiting for an answer when he unscrews the mason jar filled with hooch and promptly takes a sip. "I did," she answers simply. Fitz takes a deep breath, and while giving him the opportunity to collect his thoughts, she helps herself to the drink in his hand. He must need more though, because he takes the hooch back from her, and quickly takes a gulp. Then another. Then another.

Finally, he lets out an unhumorous laugh, "I thought…" he clears his throat. "I thought it was some crap some unsuccessful journalist made up. You know someone read something in some gossip rag and decided to run with it. I didn't… I never thought…"

"It could have been. It still could be actually. Fake, I mean, a lie. Olivia says we can deny it, there's no real prof, except the claims of the nurse."

Fitz nods and she knows that her words haven't done anything to make him feel better, he's not here to hear about her bid for the vice presidency. Years ago, the thought would have thrilled her- her husband taking an interest in her life, in her feelings, in her pain? Now though, she doesn't want to share anything about that moment in time with him. She's fine on her own, she's successful, she's learned how to be divorced, and she's accepted her past.

"But it's not fake. It's not a lie."

"It's not," she confirms and she knows she needs to share that night with him. He's not her husband anymore, but he once was. They shared a life together and still share children together, she owes him that much. "It was after Jerry was born, you were away for the night- I forget where." Fitz leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, she can tell that he doesn't want to hear what she's about to say, but she also knows he needs to hear it, so she continues. "Jerry was crying, he just kept crying and crying. Remember how he would get so colicky at night? Anyways, it took me forever to get him to sleep and then… I just thought 'it must be me,' I mean I can't even be his mother."

"Mel." Fitz interrupts her and grabs her hands to stop them from shaking, but she pulls away.

"No Fitz, I thought I couldn't be the mother he deserved. And I certainly wasn't able to be your wife."

"Mellie," he tries again.

"I couldn't even let you touch me."

"That's not your fault. It wasn't your fault"

"I know, but it's still true." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "So I called that doctor and I took those drugs and I went to sleep."

"And Andrew? He found you? That's why he covered for you before?

She nods, "That nurse, the one who is talking to the media, she was a friend of his. I didn't let him call an ambulance, but he called her over to check me out."

Fitz shakes his head and grabs her hands again, this time she lets him. "Was that the only time?"

"Only once. After that night, I just accepted it. I knew I probably wasn't going to be the wife I was or even the mother I thought I'd be, but I had a duty to make you President. I'd given up so much and to throw it all away, to let your father win, to let him know he ruined us? I couldn't do that."

"Ok." He remains quiet but she can see the guilt in his eyes. There was nothing he could have done to stop her that night and there was no way he could have known what was going on in her head, still though, she knows he thinks he is somehow responsible.

"You couldn't have known."

"I know," he sighs and takes another sip of hooch, it maybe a record, she's never seen him drink this much of her father's liquor. "What are you going to do? You said Olivia said you can deny it, are you going to?"

"I don't know." It's the honest truth. Sure denial would be easy, Olivia has assured her that she can handle it. They'll discredit the nurse; say she's desperate for money and being paid by Democrats. However another part of her wonders what would happen if she was honest, she knows she doesn't owe anyone this information, but she remembers how desperate and lonely she felt back then. Maybe if someone had told it would be ok, that a women who was raped could be paving the way for her own Presidential run, she wouldn't have felt the way she did. Maybe she wouldn't have ever felt that taking her own life was the best option. She might be able to help people; she might be able to support other rape victims.

Fitz seems to follow her train of thought and gives her a small smile. "Do want you want Mel, but make the decision for you, and only you. Either way it's only eight more years. Well, eight more years and three months."

She shoots him a confused look.

"Eight more years until you place your hand on that Bible. Eight more years until America sees you become the first female President of this country. President Melody Grant."

The statement sends a jolt of happiness through her, she doesn't need this support but it still feels good to have it. They've become good at this, they've become good at being divorced. They talk more, are more honest, and even though there was so much hurt in their marriage, they are working through it slowly and asking for forgiveness. "Thank you."

Fitz smiles and stands up, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. "Whatever you choose to say, I'll make sure the Whitehouse supports you."

She nods and follows him as he makes his way to the front door. He's almost out the door before he turns back towards her and takes her hands one last time. Looking her straight in the eye, he hesitates but then begins to speak. "I know you said it only happened once and it was so long ago, but…" He squeezes her hands, "Don't leave us. Not Teddy. Not Karen. Not me. Promise me you won't ever try again."

The familiarity of the words aren't lost on her, "I promise."


	6. Divorce

Again, thanks for the reviews! This one is a little different considering it's not a conversation between Fitz and Mellie. It's more Mellie centric, but it's a part of the show I wish we'd seen.

Divorce

It's about half an hour after she sees her husband publically take Olivia Pope out for a date on national television that Mellie picks up her phone. Her staff has been handling all her calls since the story broke, but this is the one call she needs to take herself.

"Mom," Karen's voice is shaking and Mellie can hear the sadness, anger, and frustration in her daughter's teary voice.

"You saw?" Asking her daughter this question is pointless. Of course Karen has seen, her father's infidelity is splashed all over every news station in the country and is blowing up the Internet. Still though, Mellie knows she needs to get a sense of how Karen is feeling before she can talk to her daughter about this.

"Why's he doing this?"

She can hear the beginnings of more tears in her daughter's voice and it lets her know she needs to be honest with her daughter. For years, she and Fitz have pretended around their children. They've said the affairs were mistakes, short lived and regretted. They've told their children that their marriage was strong and lasting, and while Mellie wishes that were the case, it's not true. She needs to be honest with her daughter, even if it means breaking her heart. "He loves her baby."

"But he's married to you! He can't do this, it's not fair." Like her mother, Karen has the remarkable ability to flip her emotions at the drop of a hat- anger replaces her heartbreak instantly. Mellie can hear her seething through the phone, then crying, then throwing something, then sobbing again. Though her little girl is miles away in a boarding school dorm room, she can just imagine her daughter's face, blotchy from the crying and yelling.

"Karen sweetheart, calm down." She listens as her daughter stops moving about the room and begins to control her breathing. She waits as Karen begins to relax, "You ok?"

Karen ignores the question, "I want to come home. Please, mommy. Can I come home?"

Maybe it's Karen's pleading, maybe it's the way Teddy smiled at her that morning in the Whitehouse, maybe it's her own anger, but Mellie doesn't hesitate. "I'll call someone to come get you."

XXXXXX

Before Karen arrives Mellie has enough time to call for the impeachment of her husband. Almost on autopilot, she's calling a meeting and telling the other members of the bipartisan women's caucus to destroy her husband's political career. The other senators smile at her and agree, and Mellie can feel the sympathy in their voices. They think she's a pathetic scorned wife out for revenge, they're only half right. She's out for revenge, but she' passed the point of being scorned.

She was scorned when she heard her husband took another woman to view the constitution. She was scorned when her husband called her ornamental. She was scorned the first time he asked her for a divorce. And really, if she's being completely honest, she was scorned when he marched into her office a few weeks ago and told her he was divorcing her. Now though? She's not scorned, she's livid- he'd done the one thing she'd ask him not to.

She knows that if Fitz was asked, he tell you that her request to keep his relationship with Olivia out of the public eye was done to spite him. He'd tell you she wanted to punish him, prevent him from being happy, and ensure that she could still use him to further her political career. Yes, at one point she had believed that having Fitz on her side, supporting her, would guarantee her own political successes. And perhaps a small part of her wanted to see her husband and his mistress suffer as they hid their relationship. But the moment she walked away from Fitz and refused to participate in his lie to the media, was also the moment she stopped caring about his support of her politics, it was the moment she let her husband's affair go. She was done as his wife and she was done being someone that needed him.

But Karen needs Fitz. Teddy needs Fitz. As their mother, she can't ever be completely done with him.

" _I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me."_ She'd said it earlier today and meant it. Their son didn't deserve to see them fighting. And Karen sure as hell didn't deserve to see what she saw on television tonight.

So because he'd hurt their daughter tonight, she's going to hurt him. She recognizes it's a little immature, but anger has replaced reason. " _That's why I called you here tonight, because I want to talk to you about impeaching my husband."_

XXXXXX

When Mellie is finally reunited with her daughter, Karen runs into her arms. As she hugs her daughter on the front lawn, surrounded by secret services agents, she feels a new set of Karen's tears begin to dampen she sweater. Her daughter looks up at her and then to the secret services agents watching them intently. It is then that Mellie realizes her daughter is embarrassed, so she quickly ushers her girl inside.

Wordlessly, Karen makes her way into Mellie's bedroom where she wastes no time climbing into her mother's bed. Mellie follows and gently pulls her daughter into a hug as Karen lays her head on her mother's chest. In the days after Jerry's death, the two of them had spent hours in the same position in the Whitehouse. Mellie doesn't say anything, instead she chooses to let her daughter have time. Karen will talk when she's ready, and Mellie is content with running her fingers through her daughter's hair. However to her surprise, Karen doesn't speak and falls asleep in her mother's arms as the days events have left her exhausted.

She considers staying in bed with her daughter, it's late and she is tired, but in the end she's still too worked up to allow herself to go to sleep. Instead with her laptop in her arms, she takes residence on the large plush chair in the corner of her bedroom. As she watches Karen sleep, she begins to list her demands. They're simple requests and she's confident she'll get what she wants. At this point she's sure Fitz would give her the moon if it meant she'd divorce him. Still though, she promises herself she's won't budge on the demands.

It doesn't take her long to complete her list- she wants primary custody and their California home. Money isn't an issue and she's done caring about his political support. In a matter of minutes, she's emailed her proposal to him. He's probably still out on his date and she know he won't see it until morning, yet the act makes her feel accomplished- already she feels lighter.

It's such a freeing feeling that she closes her eyes and leans back in her chair. For years she had promised herself this day would never come, their marriage would last and they would grow old together. She wanted them to be who they were before, because once, long ago, they were great. They had been in love and they had been a team, but they're not anymore, and never will be again. The realization isn't as terrifying as one would expect it to be.

"You're going to divorce him?" Mellie turns towards her daughter who is most definitely no longer sleeping.

As she looks at her little girl who stares back earnestly, she considers the question. A part of her knows she should wait for Fitz, they should tell Karen together. The other part, the bigger part, tells her that her daughter already knows the answer- Karen just needs to hear the truth from her mother. "I am."


	7. America's Baby

America's Baby

He stays late in the oval, letting his staff believe he is the midst of contemplating a major decision. He's sure Lauren thinks he is stressing over some world altering decision he needs to make, because he's been sitting in his desk chair, turned towards the window for the past three hours. He knows he should retire for the night, there are so many people just waiting to go home to their children, to their husbands…to their wives.

He himself has a wife that he needs to go home to, but Mellie is the sole reason that, at 1:30 am, he hasn't yet left the oval office. Since his entrance into office, Fitz is no stranger to avoiding his wife. He's ashamed to admit that he routinely waits until Mellie has fallen asleep before entering their shared bed, on those days he just can't bare the thought of having to deal with another fight that ends with him hating both his wife and himself. Hating what they've become.

Tonight though is different, because he really can't afford to avoid his wife for even one more night. She needs to become pregnant as soon as possible and time is not on their side. He's been putting it off for far too long, hoping this ridiculous plan wouldn't be needed, hoping Olivia would come back to him, hoping Mellie would back out. His prayers haven't been answered though, and tonight he needs to get his wife pregnant.

Mellie had changed after Jerry was born, sometimes he forgets what she was like before children, what they were like before the children. She had been so fresh and happy, always smiling, full of optimism, and in love, at least he remembers it as love. Maybe she'd always been faking. Like it always does, it disturbs him to think of their early years together, what the hell happened? He sighs and walks out the oval, thanking Lauren and letting her know he is done for the night.

As he enters the residence he takes in a deep breath as he stares at their bedroom door. His hand hovers over the door handle before he decides he'll need some liquid courage to loosen him up and let him forget exactly what they're doing. He enters the West Sitting Hall, hoping to find some form of hard liquor-anything will do at this point. The room is dark, illuminated only by a single lamp, but his wife's form is unmistakably curled up on the coach.

She's wearing a black silk robe and her loose curls cover her face as she looks down into a cup of hooch balanced on her lap. "Mellie?" Part of him is hoping she is unacceptably drunk, regardless of how angry he is at her, he couldn't attempt to impregnate in a drunken state.

But when she looks up at him, he knows she hasn't had anything to drink yet. Her posture is perfect her eyes are clear, and she seems nervous. Drunk Mellie is never nervous or postured; in fact Fitz has never seen anyone take effect to liquor as greatly or quickly as his wife does.

"You're back," she says, blankly staring at him.

He nods and returns her stare, he doesn't want to be the one to bring up what they've planned, what needs to happen tonight.

Mellie raises her eyebrows, holding out the hooch towards him. "Care to join me," she says, and it's clear to Fitz she won't be acknowledging their plan.

"Mellie, it was your idea." He doesn't need to say it, she knows what he means, and he won't have his secret service agent hearing him say it.

Mellie looks over at Tom, standing dutifully near the door. It's clear she's angry that he won't play with her, alcohol would have made this easier on the both of them, and his refusal to have a drink with her has obviously frustrated her, so now, the tables have turned. Instead of falling into bed together drunk, he knows she'll make this hard on him. "Right here?" she says loudly gesturing to the couch they are now sitting on.

Tom turns around slowly, seemingly startled by Mellie loudness. And before Fitz can respond to his wife, Mellie has noticed Tom's stare and moves promptly to straddle Fitz.

Fitz looks over at Tom, who swiftly turns away as Mellie starts to grind into him. Her black robe has slipped off her shoulder, revealing a lacy powder blue bra. Her actions are so un-Mellie like; Fitz reconsiders the possibility of her being drunk. However these thought are dashed as she whispers in his ear, her breath warm but without the distinct smell of hooch. "Let's save this presidency, Fitz."

He's so angry, so disgusted, he needs to force himself not to push her off of him. Instead, he swiftly stands up with her in his arms and makes his way with her to their bedroom. He sees red as he drops her on their bed and gets himself naked.

It's a far cry from the times they made love early in their marriage and when they conceived Jerry. He's rougher and she's more aggressive. It's fast and quiet. She doesn't moan his name, and when he grunts, he doesn't follow with proclaiming his love for her.

When it's all over he rolls off of her and instantly feels horrible as she immediately scuttles under the covers and turns her back to him. _It was her idea_ he reminds himself as he tries to shake the guilt suddenly over-taking him.

He tries to steady his own breathing as self-loathing and his anger with the situation grow, when he notices Mellie's eerily still form. Unlike him, her breathing is almost imperceptible and she's grown rigid. "Mel," he calls out quietly.

She doesn't move, but when he leans over, he can see a few tears sliding silently down her face. "It's the only way, I tried to think of something else, but this is it."

He nods and is suddenly very tired, he doesn't even know how to feel about it all anymore. But he calms the guilt by placing a small kiss on his wife's shoulder, "it'll be ok." And he really hopes it will be.


	8. Frank's Tavern

Frank's Tavern

 _1990_

Melody James sighs quietly as she follows her boss, Judge Henry Graham, into the crowded bar. He's persuaded her to join him for drinks, claiming that he has always taken his summer clerks out to celebrate their success over the season. "Now Melody," he smiles placing his large hand on the small of her back as he guides her to a table. "Harvard law will be tough, but you're a smart cookie, probably one of the best summer clerks I've ever had. You'll have no trouble fitting in."

"Thank you Judge Graham," Mellie says as she takes a seat opposite her boss in the large both he has lead them to. While Judge Graham is one of the most respected legal professional in Boston and Mellie knows she should be picking his brain, she can't help but want to get this night over with as soon as possible, there is just something about the way her boss is smiling at her that is making her uncomfortable.

Luckily, Henry Graham loves the sound of his own voice, so Mellie finds that she needs to contribute very little to the conversation. Instead she is able to focus on nursing her scotch and zones out as Henry drones on about his latest fishing expedition. In fact, she is so focused on staring down at her drink, that she doesn't noticed the tall man approaching their table until he is seated down beside her.

When she turns to look the body beside her, she is pleasantly surprised. Instead of another middle-aged lawyer, she sees a handsome blue-eyed young man staring back at her. "Hey," he says shyly, giving her a small smile.

"Hey," she repeats back, mortified as she feels herself blush while he continues to stare at her.

"Melody, this is my old friend Jerry Grant and his son Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald, Jerry, this is my summer clerk Melody James."

Mellie notices that Henry and Jerry share a look, and then they promptly begin to observe herself and Fitzgerald. She isn't sure what's going on, but figures being polite to her boss's old friends is required of her. She smiles brightly and turns back to Fitzgerald, holding out her hand. "Mellie," she says correcting Henry's introduction.

He takes her hand and smiles, "Fitz."

Fitz, she learns, will be attending Harvard Law with her this September, and after speaking with him for the better half of an hour, it's clear to Mellie he will do great things in his career. She notices the way his face lights up when he speaks and she can't seem to break eye contact with him as she takes in every word he says. In fact can't remember the last time she has laughed so much, and as she speaks to Fitz, she's in awe of how easily she is able to open up to him.

When she finally looks away from Fitz, she notices the bar has begun to clear out. Henry and Jerry seem to notice the lull in conversation, and Jerry promptly stands-up. "Now, Henry," he says. "I've got some of the best Cubans around in my pocket, care to join me outside?"

Henry lets out a laugh, "Jerry, when have I ever said no to a cigar?" He pats Jerry's shoulder as he stands-up and soon the two men have left Mellie and Fitz alone.

Mellie's eyes follow her boss' retreating figure, and Fitz lets out a laugh when Mellie visibly relaxes once Henry is out of the bar. "So how is working for Henry?"

"It's ok," she replies. "He can be a little… much. He asks all the summer clerks out to drinks, which would be nice, but he spends the whole time talking about his fishing."

Fitz laughs again, leaning in closer. "No kidding, has he told you the one about the 80 pound salmon?"

Mellie nods, laughing. She is startled as butterflies take residence in her stomach and she notices Fitz's eyes have moved their focus from her eyes to her mouth. As her own laughter dies, she allows herself to look down at Fitz's lips. Though she currently has a boyfriend, her desire is so acute and intense, she desperately hopes Fitz will kiss her.

Her hopes are dashed however, as Fitz takes in a deep breath and moves away rather than closer. She forces herself not to frown and moves to sit up straighter as well, watching Fitz for any sort of reaction.

Grabbing a napkin, Fitz begins to fumble with it, ripping tiny tears in the light fabric. Mellie continues to observe him, was she a fool for thinking he'd wanted to kiss her? She's never been good at reading people, so maybe she's read this whole thing wrong. The thought is humiliating and she abruptly stands up. "I should get going, it was nice to meet you Fitz."

He nods and smiles, quietly bidding her goodnight. She doesn't know why she feels so disappointed, but she's suddenly desperate to get away from Fitz. She's definitely read the situation wrong.

"Goodnight," she answers back, turning on her heel to leave and shrugging on her jacket as she walks.

However, she doesn't get far. Instead she feels Fitz grab her hand, "wait," he calls out.

Turning towards him, and she looks down at her hand in his, and then back at his face. Fitz drops her hand, but stands in front of her, blocking her ability to leave the bar. "I know you were here with your boss, and this is probably… you're probably not interested, but…" Fitz runs him hands through his hair, all the confidence and assurance from their earlier conversation has left his voice. "What I'm saying is, I like talking to you Mellie and I think I'd regret not asking you for your number."

Mellie can't help but let out a small giggle at the sight of his flustered face. The fact that Fitzgerald Grant III, Rhodes Scholar and member of the US Navy, gets so worked up asking her for her number endears him to her even further. She nods, "I think I'd regret not giving it to you."

They fumble around trying to find a piece of paper and a pen, eventually settling on using a napkin from their booth and Mellie's eyeliner. After quickly jotting down her number, she hands the napkin to Fitz, and then turns away, a smile forming on her lips. "See you around Fitz."

By the time she gets home to her apartment, a message from Fitz awaits for her.


End file.
